When I was a teenager I had a funny uncle who was really no relation it was just an easier way for him to explain me and me to explain him to others considering I was a teen and he was in his late fifties.

I used to go to his house as often as possible.  When he was away at work I would go through his massive collection of porn magazines.  He had everything: Juggs, Hustler, Penthouse, Playboy, Cherry and many others I do not remember.  His Hustler and Penthosue were the most extensive.  I believe he had all of the two from the first printing on.

He treated these magazines as if they were gifts from god and got quite angry when I would mess with them but mess with them I did.  I was a horny teenager with little knowledge and they were a wealth of information, a great source of fodder to masturbate to and a great way to learn to masturbate better or worse as the case may be.

I remember an article written about bestiality in Hustler, I beleive.  They praised having Fido as a partner discussing penis size,knots and even the best breeds.  At the end of the article it was decided that German Shepard’s were best.

Now keep in mind, I am a smart girl so I kept reading as my mind craved more information and sure enough a couple of mags later , in the, “write in” section a lady wrote in about how her Shepard tore up her insides, ripped her skin with his sharp nails and even bit her. She required stitches and plastic surgery to repair the damage, her dog had to be put down so she threatened to sue the magazine.

I am not one who is big on “sue happy Americans” but you know I seriously would not have minded following that one in the news and laughing at her! Kinda like the McDonalds coffee fiasco!  Just because you read it somewhere does not make it safe, safe for you or guarantee it will be the same experience for you that it was for someone else. Reading it in Hustler certainly does not make it something you should try at home,  but try people will.

I skipped that one.

While I may have skipped the Fido fiasco I did find out about the interesting uses of Alka-Seltzer as I read the ongoing drama that followed “maimed girl’s” experience with her German Shepard.  There was another lady there and a few men arguing with her that she was a damn moron, how she should have worn a leather vest , had her dog specially trained and on and on.  This fight literally went on for months and I followed the serial drama the whole time, dubbing it in my head, “Fuck  of our Lives” and “As the Milk Bone Turns”

I was astonished that people actually openly admitted they did that shit.  My Alka-Seltzer article was squeezed in there somewhere and their was no follow up on it.  I guess people were not as interested in sticking Alka-Seltzer in their twats as they were a dog cock.

Since there was no follow up I decided I would try what this lady recommended.  Basically you take a tab of Alka-Seltzer and put it in your pussy and it will fizz and bubble in  there giving both you and your partner and exciting sensation in your pussy and on your cock.  This sounded feasible to me since I had been forced to drink Alka-Seltzer  before and knew that it was very effervescent and thus would probably live up to the hype reported in between the Fido fucking drama. Not to mention since it was in my pussy I would not have to worry about it tasting like shit!

Basically, what you were to do was take a tab and shove it deep into your wet pussy and it would do the rest.  The lady added to her credibility by stressing more than once that you should not under any circumstances use Alka-Seltzer  Gold because it contained aspirin which could irritate your vagina.  So I was careful when I went to the pharmacy to select my sex aid.

When I finally found an unsuspecting victim to experience my Alka-Seltzer orgasm with it was me who turned out to be the victim.  I followed all the instruction and was very careful not to use Alka-Seltzer  Gold and after I shoved it in he went to put it in and, well he couldn’t.  That tab sucked all the moisture out of my pussy and sucked the fine, thin, velvet skin of my pussy into the tab and kept sucking.  It started to hurt.  I ended up straddled over my mothers wash sink with him sticking the hose in my pussy to flush out the Alka-Seltzer  tablet.  It took some time because the tab had to fizz out to nothing because it was attached to me.

Needless to say my pussy was to raw for fucking that day and the day after.  It took about a week to heal in the end and I came to realize I had something in common with dog fucker.  We both had learned a valuable lesson.  Do not believe everything you read.